


could we ever be enough?

by thepriestthinksitsthedevil (stubliminalmessaging)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Asexual Harry, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Acephobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 03:07:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11072787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stubliminalmessaging/pseuds/thepriestthinksitsthedevil
Summary: “You know - we don’t have to have sex, right?” Louis asked slowly, turning Harry’s face up to look into his eyes. “I just want to be with you. I don’t want to do anything that you’re not completely comfortable with.”“I am comfortable,” Harry lied. “It’ll be better next time. When I’m less nervous.”Or: asexual Harry struggles with finding normalcy in his relationship with Louis, and it takes Louis reminding him that he's too special to have a normal relationship for him to come to terms with it.





	could we ever be enough?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [distortedrain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/distortedrain/gifts).



> helloooo! really pleased to have this fic done, i worked really hard on it!
> 
> a couple of acknowledgments: thanks to [mel](http://twoghostsau.tumblr.com/) for betaing this for me. also, thanks as always to my various friends who listened to me talk about this fic and helped me get motivated when i didn't feel like writing lol.
> 
> massive thanks to [rachel](http://yslsaint.tumblr.com/) for talking to me about asexuality and helping me stay on the right track with this.
> 
> one little warning: i debated tagging this as dubious consent because harry really forces himself into the sexual situations in this fic but i decided against it because i don't describe it graphically, and the most graphic scene isn't a full sex scene and it has closure. the most triggering thing in this fic is the **internalized acephobia** that i tagged, so **if you're triggered by internalized acephobia, maybe skip this one!!**
> 
> that said, please enjoy!

The first time Harry Styles had sex was when he was seventeen, a month into his relationship with Louis Tomlinson. It felt bad at first and then it got a little better and then Harry was seized by an intense panic. He had never felt anything like it before and he had no idea where it came from but he didn’t want to freak Louis out so he tried to reel it in and make it seem like he was just nervous about having sex for the first time.

 

Louis cleaned him up, held him, and kissed him afterwards. That settled Harry’s anxiety significantly. He shifted in Louis’ arms and let Louis pet his hair back off his face. He practically purred from the attention.

 

“Are you okay?” Louis asked after a moment. He wrapped one of Harry’s curls around his index finger and then let it go, watching it spring back up against his temple before he cupped Harry’s cheek with his palm. To the layman, it would seem like he was relaxed and languid after his orgasm but Harry could see the strain around his eyes that betrayed his concern.

 

“I’m fine,” Harry replied, sniffing. “Just nerves, I think.”

 

“You know - we don’t  _ have _ to have sex, right?” Louis asked slowly, turning Harry’s face up to look into his eyes. “I just want to be with you. I don’t want to do anything that you’re not completely comfortable with.”

 

“I am comfortable,” Harry lied. “It’ll be better next time. When I’m less nervous.”

 

Louis wasn’t convinced, but he pressed a firm kiss to Harry’s lips and let Harry roll over so he could press his chest against Harry’s back. He draped his arm over Harry’s waist and kissed the spot behind his ear, making Harry squirm and giggle in delight. “Whatever you want, love,” he murmured, making warm fluttery feelings flood through Harry and flush out the bad ones.

 

-

 

Even before they started dating, Harry and Louis often fell asleep together in one of their beds so after they got together it became routine. A couple weeks after their first time, Harry woke up to Louis’ erection digging into the small of his back while the older boy was still asleep. It wasn’t the first time it had happened; they both usually sported morning wood and it was especially bad when they slept together.

 

Harry thought about it, about Louis’ cock pressed up against him, and tried hard to stifle his feelings of discomfort. It made him feel like he had to do something about it, even though Louis had never pushed him into anything and wasn’t exactly rubbing it all over him on purpose. It was just there, a firm line where Louis was mostly soft and curvy otherwise. Harry felt extremely conscious of it being there, and he felt guilty when he thought of Louis waddling off to the washroom after kissing Harry good morning to take care of it like he usually did.

 

He gnawed his lip as he thought of helping Louis with it. He’d read in an issue of Cosmo that a good way to wake up your boyfriend was to suck his dick while he was asleep. They hadn’t even gotten to the point of giving each other blowjobs while awake yet; they’d only had sex once and rubbed each other off over their boxers a few times. Harry didn’t really want to suck Louis off for the first time while he was sleeping (he honestly didn’t want to suck Louis off at all, other than to know what it felt like to have a dick in his mouth), but the magazine said it was a bold, sexy way to be sexually assertive and to give your man a spring in his step all day. Harry wasn’t sure he wanted to be sexually assertive at all, or if Louis needed any more energy than he already had most days, but Cosmo was a sex magazine and when people were in a relationship,  _ they had sex _ .

 

Mind made at least three quarters of the way up, Harry glanced around the room to see that the other three boys were absent from their beds. He crawled out of Louis’ arms and tiptoed to the door to lock it, then ducked back under the covers and nudged Louis over onto his back. Louis snuffled but stayed asleep, and so Harry carefully shimmied down his pyjama bottoms until his dick was out.

 

Harry had seen it before, of course. It had been  _ in him _ , after all. When they had sex, Harry hadn’t had a chance to properly look at it up close, though, which was why he took it in his hand and looked it over. He squinted in the shadows under the sheets, and carefully inspected Louis’ dick. It wasn’t much different from Harry’s, maybe a little bit shorter if they’d held them up against each other, and looking at it made him feel no specific way. This made him panic a bit; he was gay, he knew he was gay, wasn’t he supposed to like dicks? Especially  _ Louis’ _ dick. He loved Louis, he loved everything about Louis, but he felt indifferent about his dick.

 

Before Harry could get his mouth of Louis, he was distracted by Louis calling his name. He looked up to see Louis had lifted the edge of the covers and was peeking under it to look at him. Harry flushed and resisted the urge to bury his face in the warm skin of Louis’ hip.

 

“Good morning,” Louis rasped. He reached under the blanket to pet Harry’s messy hair back off his face. “What’re you doing, love?”

 

“I wanted to give you a nice wake-up call,” Harry said, flicking his eyes down to Louis’ cock. “You always wake up with your dick hard and I wanted to help.”

 

“That’s lovely, but what I really want right now is a cuppa,” Louis said, mussing up Harry’s hair and making him pull away and laugh. Louis used his other hand to pull the sheet off Harry with a flourish and sat up, scooting up the bed and pulling himself and his dick out of Harry’s grasp and away from him. He put his cock away and stood up from the bed, his pyjamas tented obscenely. “Can you go put on the kettle and I’ll be out in a minute?”

 

He didn’t wait for Harry to answer, just marched out of the room and closed the bathroom door behind him. On one hand, Harry was happy knowing he wouldn’t have to suck his dick when he had next to no interest in doing so, but on the other, it was weird that Louis was avoiding it. Also, who said no to a morning blowjob? There had to be something wrong with Harry.

 

Harry sighed deeply and rolled out of bed, pulling some pyjama pants he found on the floor over his own erection. He rubbed himself a moment and sighed. If his dick was hard it meant that he wanted to have sex with his fit as fuck boyfriend, right?

 

-

 

It took another month, three more successful attempts at sex and countless aborted ones before Harry took the google to try and find some kind of explanation for the sick feeling he had whenever he tried to have sex. It was well past the point where he could keep telling himself that he was just nervous with inexperience and excitement - he’d actually  _ thrown up _ once after he’d fucked Louis and he’d just been thankful that Louis was on all fours and couldn’t see Harry struggling to keep himself composed enough to fuck him.

 

An hour and a half and a long trail of Wikipedia articles later found Harry reading through a forum of people talking about their experiences being asexual and how they just  _ lacked _ attraction. Some people never wanted to have sex and others had active sex drives but no desire to have sex with people. Harry definitely fit into the second category, he thought. The more he read about feeling sick and panicked at the thought of sex the more he felt connected with the idea of being asexual.

 

Harry was always horrible at keeping secrets so he told Louis about it later that night, curled up in bed together after they’d ducked out early from watching a film with the lads. Harry took a deep breath and told Louis he wanted to tell him something important and Louis gave him him his full attention but the tiny crease between his brows told Harry he was worried.

 

Louis rubbed his back and pet his hair while Harry spoke. He quietly listened as Harry explained how he felt. The only thing he had to say once Harry finished coming out to him was to ask if Harry had ever lied about wanting to have sex and if he had ever made Harry feel pressured, and Harry rushed to assure him that he was the one who forced himself into it. Louis started crying when Harry said that he knew Louis would never force him into anything or make him feel like he had to do anything that he didn’t want to. Louis moved him to tears right back when he held him tight and promised that he loved Harry and just wanted him to be happy in their relationship and that he would do everything in his power to do it.

 

While Harry kissed Louis sweetly and tried to channel all of his appreciation for his perfect boyfriend into the gesture, thinking of the testimonials he’d read on the forum of partners who didn’t understand and guilted their asexual companions into having sex and resented them for not being sexual. He hadn’t thought that Louis would be like that with him but his chest felt heavy with dread every time he read one.

 

-

 

The first few times that one (or both) of them had an erection and they didn’t have sex was a bit jarring but Harry felt perfect. Louis didn’t pressure him or make him feel guilty, and next to nothing about their relationship had actually changed. Louis even asked him questions about asexuality and when Harry told him it was still new to him and he didn’t have all the answers Louis said that he didn’t need to know someone else’s answers; he just wanted to know how  _ Harry _ felt about it. They still spent almost all of their time together and cuddled and kissed and slept together, and Harry felt like his life was as great as it had ever been.

 

Which was, of course, when Harry started questioning everything. He was labeled ‘the flirt’ and told to be extra charming and extra flirty with female interviewers. Before he knew it there were rumours flying in every direction that he had slept with every woman or girl that he so much as made eye contact with. It had only been three weeks since he realized that he was asexual and he had already been crafted as a sex symbol. It would be ironic if every headline and internet article and cheeky question from a pap didn’t make him feel like being sick.

 

The lads made it worse. Harry was sure they didn’t mean to, but they were seventeen year old definitely  _ not _ asexual boys and they liked talking about sex. Apparently being the teen heartthrob in a boyband that was rapidly gaining popularity resulted in having girls throw themselves at you. Who knew?

 

Without meaning to, the boys made Harry feel isolated and alone. Everyone else had sex and liked having sex.  _ Louis _ liked having sex, and Harry was holding him back from that. The more Harry thought about it, the more certain Harry was that Louis must resent him and his asexuality. When  Louis had asked Harry if he wanted to be his boyfriend, he had probably been under the impression that they would be having sex occasionally. An asexual Harry was really not something that Louis signed up for, and he was just going along with it because he was too nice to be mean to Harry.

 

Harry agonized over it for a few hours before he decided what he was going to do about it. He was going to have sex with Louis, and he was going to make himself like it. People in relationships had sex, and so Harry would too.

 

“We should have sex,” Harry declared later that night when they were getting ready for bed. Louis coughed and spat his toothpaste out in the sink, stroking a hand down Harry’s bare back.

 

“I’m fine if we don’t,” Louis said once he’d rinsed his mouth. He pressed a kiss to Harry’s shoulder, his lips cold and damp from the sink water. “We can do whatever you want, but might I suggest: cuddling while we watch a film and maybe snogging a bit during the slow parts?”

 

“I want to have sex,” Harry repeated in between flossing his teeth. Louis rinsed out the sink, pausing as he watched the water swirl down the sink, cloudy with toothpaste froth.

 

“You don’t need to want to have sex,” Louis said, and Harry felt irritated by the gentle nature of his voice. “I’m perfectly content with you not wanting to have sex.”

 

“But I  _ want _ to,” Harry snapped. “Do you not want to fuck me, Lou?”

 

“Of course I do,” Louis replied, bringing both hands down to hold Harry’s hips from behind. “I just-”

 

“You want to fuck me; I want you to fuck me. I’m horny; please have sex with me.” Harry tried to keep his voice level and figured he succeeded well enough when Louis nudged Harry until he turned around to face him.

 

Louis wiped a bit of toothpaste off Harry’s chin and leaned up on his toes to kiss him. Harry gave a pleased little hum and set the floss down on the counter so he could slip both arms around Louis’ waist. His fingers snuck up under the edge of Louis’ shirt and skimmed along the small of his back, pulling Louis closer.

 

“Once you’re done cleaning your teeth, meet me in the hallway,” Louis murmured between kisses. He kept making moves like he was going to pull away but then he just kept kissing Harry as if he was drawn in by Harry’s mouth. Harry felt giddy at the thought, but then again, kissing had never really been a problem. “We can look together to find an empty room.”

 

Harry agreed and Louis finally went on his way, but not before kissing Harry some more and thoroughly groping his bum. That had also never been an issue for Harry; he loved having Louis hands all over him. It only became a problem when it got much further than that, they’d learned.

 

After taking longer than strictly necessary to brush his teeth, Harry found Louis waiting in the hallway outside the band’s room, playing with his phone. Louis smiled at him and bumped their shoulders together, taking Harry’s hand. Despite his nerves, Harry still felt a sharp thrill of joy at the affection.

 

They found an empty room from one of the eliminated contestants without running into anyone on the way. Harry continued into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed while Louis turned the light on and locked the door. Harry knew it shouldn’t, but it all made dread settle deep in his stomach.

 

Louis laid one of his little hands on the top of Harry’s thigh, giving it a squeeze. Harry turned towards Louis and moved in to kiss him, sighing happily when Louis’ hands came up to cup his jaw.

 

“How do you want to do this?” Louis asked against Harry’s lips after they had snogged for a few moments. Harry had eased them to lay down on their sides and Louis’ hands were all over him, up and down his back and across his shoulders and grasping at his bum.

 

“On all fours?” Harry asked, immediately correcting his face when he saw how Louis’ brows furrowed while looking at him. He smiled at Louis, who nuzzled his nose against Harry’s dimple which made Harry feel all fluttery.

 

“Want to see your face,” Louis protested, kissing Harry’s dimple and slipping his fingers down to trace Harry’s hipbone where his shirt had ridden up. Harry chewed on his lower lip and Louis revised his statement. “We can do it however you want, I would just like to see your face. So I can kiss you.”

 

“Oh,” Harry breathed, overtaken by fondness. “Okay. We can do it face-to-face.”

 

“Sounds good,” Louis said. “You want to be on top, or me?”

 

“You, please,” Harry replied, giving Louis one more long kiss before he rolled over onto his back and Louis crawled on top of him. He perched astride Harry’s hips and leaned back to strip off his shirt, and Harry’s hands immediately lifted and settled on the dip of Louis’ waist. Harry may feel no sexual attraction to Louis or anyone else, but anyone with eyes could see that Louis was beautiful and Harry was always enraptured by him.

 

Louis smirked down at Harry and wiggled a little in his lap, and Harry’s body responded to the stimulation. Objectively, Harry knew that Louis had a perfect arse, it was nice to look at and nice to hold and so many people had said so. Harry tried to channel the thoughts of every other person he’d seen online making salacious comments about his boyfriend’s bum. It didn’t really do anything to help him, but going through the motions of what he supposed normal seventeen year old blokes did made him feel a little more normal.

 

Before long they were both naked and Louis was sat between Harry’s widespread thighs. His inner thighs were sticky with lube and saliva from Louis sucking marks into them and his nipples were sore and tender from Louis playing with them. Harry tried to breathe while Louis was fingering him and watching him closely. He tossed his head and exaggerated his whimpers, hoping that Louis believed that he was enjoying himself, because he was taking his time and monitoring Harry’s reactions so closely that Harry was sure Louis was going to see right through him.

 

Louis didn’t, though. Aside from going slow and checking if Harry was still okay multiple times, Louis just kept carefully fingering Harry. He had three fingers in Harry and seemed intent on getting his whole hand in if Harry didn’t tell him he was ready, so he spoke up. Harry reached down between his legs and gently circled his fingers around the fine bones of Louis’ dainty wrist.

 

“That’s enough,” he murmured, trying to sound breathy and aroused. “I’m ready.”

 

“Are you sure?” Louis asked, moving up to kiss Harry. Kissing was easy; Harry could close his eyes and try to block out what was happening to him and it was easier. Louis could kiss him through this and Harry could endure it. He could do it. They could have sex and be a normal couple.

 

Louis cradled him like he was something precious when he pushed into Harry’s body. He was slow and careful but Harry still grit his teeth and cried out when Louis’ cock began to breach him. Louis had done a good job of stretching him but Harry was so wound up and nervous and focused on getting through this and being a normal teenager in a normal relationship who had normal sex with his boyfriend.

 

Harry kissed Louis to distract him from being all concerned but he muffled a sob against Louis lips and Louis froze. Louis broke the kiss to look down at him and Harry knew he had to have been crying by how Louis’ face fell.

 

A second later Louis had pulled out carefully and gathered Harry up in his arms. He held Harry while he was wracked with sobs and Harry clung to Louis’ chest. Louis rubbed Harry’s back through it and cooed soothing words to him, rocking him gently and squeezing him tight. He pressed kisses to Harry’s ears and hair and when Harry finally felt composed enough to lift his head from where it was pressed against Louis’ pecs, Louis peppered his face with soft kisses as well.

 

Louis held Harry until he stopped trembling and hiccuping. He told Harry about how they didn’t need to have sex and that he wanted  _ Harry _ , not some ideal boyfriend version of Harry. He didn’t want The Flirt. He wanted Harry who cuddled with him and watched films and who giggled so loudly in the middle of the night that all the boys shushed them and threw pillows at them to shut them up. He liked Harry’s stupid puns and his fluffy hair and his scratchy morning voice and how he made Louis’ bed smell like him. He loved Harry’s slow voice and loud laughter and literally everything else about him and he always would.

 

“As long as I get to be with you for as long as you’ll have me, I’d be perfectly content if we never have sex,” Louis told him, wiping his thumb under Harry’s eye and up the line of his cheekbone, smudging the tear track there. “We don’t need to do what other people do in their relationships. I would never expect our relationship to be like any other one because you’re not like anyone else,” Louis cracked a smile and Harry knew what was coming before Louis said: “You’re extraordin-Harry.”

 

Harry honked out a wet laugh and buried his face in Louis’ chest, hugging him tight round the middle and thanking whatever deity saw fit to bless him with such a perfect boyfriend.

 

“I never want you think you’re not enough for me,” Louis concluded, making Harry feel like crying again, but for good reasons this time. “I just want it to be you and I forever. You are enough. Baby, we could be enough.”

**Author's Note:**

> please feel free to leave a comment or message me on [tumblr](http://thepriestthinksitsthedevil.tumblr.com/) to tell me what you think :)


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